


I'm Jealous of the Way

by MelliesRegina44



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2020-12-16 08:16:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21033119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelliesRegina44/pseuds/MelliesRegina44
Summary: Idea I had based off the song Jealous by Labyrinth"I'm jealous of the way, you're happy without me."





	1. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this Chapter is very short but I will add Chapter 2 ASAP. I’m very excited for this fic. I hope you enjoy.

I never thought that I would ever be without Vanessa. From the very beginning of whatever we had started, I knew that I needed her to remain in my life in any possible way. There was just something about her. I had never experienced something that felt quite as real before. After several failed marriages and even more failed relationships, I needed that. I didn’t know that I needed it of course but once it happened, I couldn’t go back. Not that I would ever admit that. Especially now.

It’s been months since we’ve been apart. The day that Vanessa packed her things and left is permanently etched into my brain. The scars on my heart will never fade. It feels like they only get deeper everyday.

XXXXXX

“Babe, you’ll never believe where I booked us a trip to. I know that you’re sick of our cold holidays so finally… what’s this?” As I walked through the door of our home at the pub I was excited to tell Vanessa of the warm beach holiday I’d booked just for the two of us. I never expected her to be sitting on the sofa surrounded by a bunch of packed bags.

Vanessa stood and faced me. Her face was stained with mascara and her eyes were bloodshot. “I have to leave Charity.”

“What do you mean leave? Where are you going?” I hoped it wasn’t what it looked like. She could just tell me she had a work trip, a conference or something.

“I’m sorry.” Vanessa’s voice cracked.

I walked toward her but she backed away. “Babe, what are you sorry for? What’s going on?”

“I am moving back into Tug Gyhll. Me and Johnny. I just need to do this for us. I need to put him first and make sure we’re both happy. I’m sorry, Charity. I hope you can forgive me one day.”

I tried again to step toward her but again she stepped away. She picked up her bags. No words would come out of my mouth but tears were creating pathways down my cheeks. I stood frozen while she carried her bags to the door. I heard it open but I couldn’t watch what was about to happen next.

“Vanessa. There’s nothing to forgive.”

And just like that she was gone.

XXXXXX

Sometimes the memory of her walking out that door hits me harder than others. It’s always in the back of my mind. I never understood why. I always believed that she would come back to me, that it was some kind of phase. So far, she hasn’t looked back.

I’m standing outside of the Woolpack. It’s quiet and about to rain, you can smell it in the air. I’m frozen in my place though because Vanessa walking past with Johnny in tow. They’re both laughing and smiling as Johnny does little skips and jumps to show his mother how good he’s getting at it. I didn’t even notice it started to suddenly pour down rain until I heard Johnny scream with joy. He always loved the rain. I watched the drops soak Vanessa’s hair and slide down her bare arms. I couldn’t help but stare. It hurts to see her like this but she is happy now without me. 

I realized, I’m jealous of the rain falling upon her skin because it’s closer than my hands have been since she left.


	2. Wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this isn't a quickly updated fic. I have been dealing with a lot but I want to get back on track. So here is chapter 2. (:

Chapter 2 Wind

I regret leaving. I have since the beginning. It was never something I wanted. I just wanted Charity to have the best life she could.

XXXXXX

Chas was screeching with happiness early one morning after she’d gotten the final phone call. Paddy, Chas, and I sat around the table, smiles on every face. “Charity and I talked about this so long ago I thought they’d moved on. This couple loved our little pub and they asked to sponsor us to open another in Leeds. Leeds is much bigger than the village and we needed the money at the time. Charity planned to go stay in Leeds and take care of it all.” Chas huffs, “You know she never volunteers to do any kind of work so I wasn’t going to say no. They still want our business though. It’s so exciting.”

Paddy smiled at Chas. Her happiness was the easiest way to put that big dopey grin on his face. “Just think about it. Two pubs could become a whole chain. Gracie could grow up with nothing but the best.”

“Imagine, our Gracie, private school and us trying to fit in with all those posh parents.” They laughed together. They had forgotten I was sitting there until I giggled a bit at the idea. “Oh love, don’t mention it to Charity yet. I want to tell her and then wait until she tells you.”

I planted a smile on my face and pretended to be happy. My heart was beating so fast in my chest. Charity might be leaving me. This kind of opportunity isn’t something I could let her give up. She could help Debbie with Sarah and Jack. Moses would have a good set up. This all came up before we got together. Johnny and I can’t move. Our whole lives are here. The only family we have, my job, and not to mention this is the only place Johnny has ever known. I couldn’t be the one to hold her back from this life.

I excused myself from the table. The fresh air outside was calling my name. Right before I walked out the door, Charity was coming down the stairs. “Oi you. Where you off to this morning?”

“Just stepping out for some air. You know what it’s like being around Chas and Paddy for too long with all that mushy love and baby talk. Plus we’re out of milk. I’ll just pop over to the shop and be back.” She just shrugged and continued to the kitchen. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I walked for a bit before sitting myself on one of the children’s swings at the park. Maybe I was reacting too quickly. Charity and I could make this work when she decided to take it. She wouldn’t be there every day and Leeds isn’t too far for traveling. We love each other and a little bit of distance would be nothing to battle. Especially with everything we’ve gone through. I was so busy thinking to myself, I didn’t even seen Paddy walking past until he stopped to talk to me.

“Vanessa, you should not go back there yet. Charity turned down the offer. Which cause a screaming match between the two. Now it’s just very thick air.” Paddy said nervously.

“What? Why did she say no? Let me talk to her.” I stood and started marching away but Paddy stopped me.

He stuttered. “Uh… I don’t think it’s a good idea. Charity doesn’t know you know because you have to wait for her to tell you.”

“Paddy, she can’t just turn down something like this. It isn’t helping the business and you and Chas could use the extra money as well as us.”

“Vanessa… she turned it down because it would mean full time in Leeds with no breaks for at least a year. She doesn’t want to leave you and Johnny.” He paused, “You know, I’ve known Charity for a long time and it’s always been business first for her. This is the first time I’ve ever seen her actually settled. Take my advice. Just wait for her to tell you.” He left me with that and headed to the surgery.

All I need is for Charity to talk to me about it. Then we can figure it out together. That’s what we’ve been able to do in our time together.

XXXXXX

I no longer avoid Charity. Simply because I missed seeing her. There were always times when we saw each other around in passing but I avoided the pub like the plague. Now, I find myself convincing my dad and Tracy to go with me to grab a bite to eat or inviting myself to join Rhona and Pete for drinks after work. I use that time to watch her work. Not just working at the bar but how she functions. I was so used to having all of Charity’s attention. Having that kind of attention, is magical. The way she would look at me would take my breath away. I don’t get that anymore but sometimes I like seeing her interact with others. The love she has in her eyes with Belle or with Lisa reminds me of that feeling sometimes and it’s nice. 

This afternoon Rhona, Pete, Tracy, and I are enjoying our drinks in the beer garden. It’s a new addition to the pub and although it’s nice it leaves me with less time to observe Charity.

She walks out of the pub door to another table where Sam and Lydia are sitting. She stops to make some remarks at the pair. It wasn’t a long stop but I noticed the pause in her movement. It felt like everything was moving in slow motion. This feeling to crave someone this deeply isn’t one I ever thought I’d have. Suddenly, the cold felt warmer and the wind felt stronger. I watched as the breeze hit Charity’s body making her blouse cling to her a little tighter. I’m jealous of the wind that ripples through her clothes. It’s closer than her shadow. I am jealous of the wind.


End file.
